As my first year in this journey comes to an end, I feel a mix of emotions. 

Everything I am interested in and currently exploring all feel connected to each other although sometimes it's difficult to put into words. All I know is that it feels right and I am going somewhere. But this coming year, I don’t want to work the same way anymore. The freedom that felt like a miraculous gift from the universe gave its place to an anxiety inducing, full of self doubting, imposter syndrome. I want to structure my research, work out a plan, and try to stick to it. Perhaps, find some classes I can attend, write monthly essays, give workshops and more.Starting with a workshop in Barcelona in February, to setting up my space within Werkhuis and planning my first events, I am expecting to feel more grounded and in touch. 

 

Besides, I enjoy following conferences and attending seminars. I aim to go to 1 or 2 this year, which is also one of my milestones. I realise that especially speaking at a seminar creates a sort of ‘key frame’, an island,a moment of stopping and reflecting,in my research on which I can stand, look back and then go forward. 

I don’t know whether I am at the point of writing and publishing an academic essay at the moment but I am not scared of it in any way. 

 

During my chats with Virgilio, we often talk about ‘humour’ and how that is a strong standpoint in my research and my work but yet I don’t feel like I have nailed down that yet. Maybe I am still searching for that one idea, one question, one sentence that will link everything together.

It makes me wonder.. 

Is it possible to find that?

Or is this just how doing an artistic research PhD is?